Meet the team!

on Jun 01 in Culture, Frivolity, Random tagged by Peter Blackman

Outside it is raining. The wind is blowing. The UK Bank Holiday weekend is well and truly over.

An initial burst of work activity completed - it is time for some cheering up. So what do we do at The Free Thinker when we need cheering up? Simple. We visit the ‘about us’ or ‘meet the team’ pages of advertising, marketing, media or digital agency websites. For on these pages you will find some of the most amusing prose writing that the internet can offer. It might be in the way in which vaguely meaningless phrases are linked with cliched detail, a good example of that being.. “He is fast, very business driven and intelligent. He also shares my passion for coffee”…

A whole separate post could be devoted to the creative industries obsession with coffee. Of how an entire business sector, one which prides itself on originality and differentiation slips remorselessly into a behavioural cliche wherein the clutching of a styrofoam cup filled with frothy milk denotes character of depth and complexity. An agency of our acquaintance once spent an entire morning tweeting, posting and blogging about the arrival of their new coffee machine, informing the world at regular intervals about its various settings and strength options. They concluded that with the arrival of this hot beverage dispenser there was nothing, no, nothing that would now stop them achieving their desired aim of global dominance. Unfortunately when we last looked, they appeared to have lost two clients, who might not have been so impressed at their fees being spent on a. expensive brushed chrome appliances, and b. an entire morning devoted not to the ‘driving forward’ of their brands, but to the preparation of a perfect frappamappachino.

Away from coffee, “Meet the team” pages also take great care to reinforce sexual stereotypes. For on these pages men are all obsessed with sport - by which we mean football. Women are all obsessed with shoes -  by which we mean high heels. Both of these apparently quirky characteristics are put forward as evidence of an interesting psychological hinterland. You see, away from the serious world of rebranding and brainstorming, these agency team members have fascinating and diverse habits and interests. To whit - the men go to the football and the women go shopping. Both of which behaviours are fascinating, unexpected and thought provoking. Or not, depending on whether you like to spend time with affable people who rarely have an original thought. In the media these people generally work in ‘client services’, and like to take the client to the football or shopping.

However, perhaps the most fun to be had on these pages, and the inspiration behind this particular post, can be found on those pages where the team attempt to sell themselves as masters of their particular universe. Take this one for example, as featured in the latest edition of Private Eye magazine in their ‘Pseuds Corporate’ section:

“Jill Burton, Managing Director

Jill will turn a brief on it’s head (sic), shake it vigorously and pores (sic) out the perfect cocktail. With a proven track record in revitalising major consumer brands such as Kellogg’s, Persil, Volvo and Johnson & Johnson, Jill’s understanding of the consumer’s psyche and how to resonate, generates clear and engaging brand positions and messages”

Midas Design Consultants

This is all rather marvellous. Spelling mistakes, and nonsensical rubbish.

Still, in our view it’s not as good as some of the descriptions of the talents of another agency. There are two brief biographies which we particularly adore. The first is for a designer

“As a sensitive design consultant and provider of tasteful yet disruptive ideas, his originality and invention shine through his work. He has an uncanny ability to empathise with each client and their customer base or audience; people are naturally drawn to David’s ideas and naturally great ideas are drawn to David.”

It goes on to say that modesty is not something he is overburdened with…actually it doesn’t, but I think we can take it as a given can’t we? After all, when great ideas are naturally drawn toward you, like iron filings toward a huge, pulsating creative magnet, there’s no need for modesty is there?

Moving on from the Magnet, meet the Harmoniser…

“It’s her job to manage our clients’ expectations, prepare job specifications and of course kick the rest of us into touch. Laura’s positive attitude and professional approach levels the team into a rhythym that is both in time with reality and also in harmony with what our clients want. She is focused, entrepreneurial, motivational, enthusiastic, strategic and innovative.”

I got a couple of friends to read this - and the best we could do, in terms of a plain English definition of this egrerious waffle, was ‘I think this means that she owns a watch.’ It’s clearly a bonus to be in time with reality. Anyone who watches Doctor Who on a regular basis can attest to the dangers of being out of tune with the time / space continuum. Having said that, it seems to have failed to stop a spelling mistake from creeping in there - that must have happened in a moment of downtime from being focused, entrepeneurial, yadayadayadayada. She must be kicking herself about the error though - when she’s not kicking everyone else that is.

I would go on -  but a large corporate boot has now kicked me into touch, and I’m lying whimpering in a pool of coffee and bile. I’ve broken a heel, my football team have lost, and I appear to have become a magnet for disappointment and bad ideas. All in all, a fairly typical day.