Steamer or Swan?

on May 28 in Frivolity, Random, Writing tagged by Peter Blackman

I recently went to a meeting with two shiny happy people. Ian and Simon were recruitment consultants. Successful ones - if success is found in the reflective sheen of your suit, the whiteness of teeth, the gleam of  hair gel and the deep mahogany of  skin tone. By those criteria - Ian and Simon radiated wealth and prosperity. While the day on which I met them was overcast and cloudy, Ian and Simon were glorious in their technicolour.

Ian and Simon wanted an advertising campaign for their consultancy. As part of that campaign they wanted a corporate video. One in which, no doubt, they wanted to shine. I asked them for their story. What did they want to communicate to people in the video? In the campaign?

“Do you know the secret?” they asked.

“No - we’ve just met.”

“No. THE SECRET” said Ian.

“Sorry, you’ve lost me”

“It’s a book” said Simon.

“Ask. Believe. Receive” said Ian.

Seeing that I still had no idea what they were talking about, Ian and Simon talked me through the philosophy behind the book in question, which was ‘The Secret’ by Rhona Byrne. You can find out more about it here. Make you own mind up. As I listened to Ian and Simon talk about ‘knowing what you want, and asking the universe for it’ I wondered if they could tell that I was asking the universe, God, or failing those, the collective unconscious of mankind for permission to leave that small meeting room?

My cosmic order being unsuccessful - I remained in the room, and talked about Anthony Robbins, cognitive behavioural therapy and its differences and similarities with neuro-linguistic programming. Or at least, Ian and Simon talked to me about all the above -  about how they would like to put together a DVD which took all that was ‘good’ from those people and therapies and added in the ‘unique’ success story that was Ian and Simon.

With legs askance to show off the tight sheen of trouser around crotch, Ian and Simon told me of riches. Of the Porsches, the holidays, the jewellery, the trophies and the wives.

When they eventually began to tire of themselves, and it was some time before we arrived at that delirious moment, they asked me about me. About what qualifications of experience I had to be entrusted with such an important project?

I gave them a brief biography, which I felt trod a nice line between self promotion and self depreciation. A nuanced profile which outlined lots of positive achievements and accomplishments, but also demonstrated that I was a sane, balanced human being with a degree of self awareness. What a mistake that was.

“You’re scared of us” said Ian

“You’re making excuses for failure” said Simon

“We intimidate you” said Ian

“We only deal with successful people” said Simon, spreading his legs still wider so that I might fully appreciate his potency. He slurped his coffee. It would have been cold by then - but he hid his distaste well.

I cosmic ordered a passing meteor to land on him. Without success again. I hadn’t got the hang of it clearly. Probably because I’d mastered the ‘Ask’ part. I was prepared for the ‘Receive’ element. I just didn’t believe in the ‘Believe’ part. Which I guess is where it all falls down for me and cosmic ordering.

What was also clear to me was that just as I did not believe in their concept of cosmic ordering, these two gentlemen did not believe in the concepts of modesty or humour. They were steamers. I was, and remain, a swan.

What do I mean by steamers? Ian and Simon moved through the waters of life like noisy, raucous, clanking paddle steamers. It was impossible for them to get anywhere in life without churning up the water, throwing up spray, puffing out smoke. Everything about a steamer demands that you look at it, that you marvel at the size and scale of their movement.

And a Swan? Everything happens below the surface. Energy, drive, and ambition is driven quietly and calmly - all seemingly without any effort. It’s more elegant, and in my view, just as effective an approach.

The problem is that Steamers like Ian and Simon, puffed up with the modern pyschobabble of NLP or CBT, cannot understand Swans. If they can’t see aggressive self promotion and the remorseless desire to acquire the professional and material attributes of success, then they see you as a failure. It’s why Steamers thrive on Linkedin, the business based social network. Linkedin hates humour. I tried it once and someone told me off, reminding me that this was a ‘professional’ website and not a place for frivolity. Linkedin  is not a habitat in which Swans can survive - as it relies completely on relentless boasting and self aggrandisement, something which is anaethema to Swans. I’m on Linkedin but I hate it. I hate every single ‘discussion’ which is actually a ruthless attempt to show off, to acquire more ’success’ in terms of ‘contacts’ made  and ‘groups’ joined.

Swans preen and glide on twitter - because yes, of course we’re arrogant. After all, we believe that we can become globally, stratospherically successful without even really being seen to try. But Twitter allows us to make jokes, to share the failures as well as the successes of our lives. It’s a confessional release point for all of us Swans who are out there trying our best to get on. People who want our ambition to be partially clothed rather than the naked variety that Linkedin demands. Twitter allows us to do this through humour, links, issue based trending, and plain old gossip and tittle tattle. Twitter delivers a far more rounded picture of people in terms of personality, in fact, I’d go so far as to say that Twitter reveals more about humanity than Linkedin ever will.

Having been branded a failure in life by Ian and Simon, and hurt that they couldn’t see my innate fabulousness without me having to spell it out, I spelt it out. I snapped and nipped at them like the angry Swan that I was. I also told them what I thought their proposed DVD project might cost. It was then that the wheels came off the paddle steamer and the project ran out of puff. Ian and Simon may have had the balls to undertake the project, but they didn’t have the bucks.

Perhaps they could put in a cosmic order? Maybe they could start a ‘discussion’ on Linkedin about it? Who knows? All I’m going to do is to write a frivolous blog post about our meeting (see above) and post the link up on Twitter and a have a snarky, Swanny titter at their expense. There. Done.